RUDY
Rudy
died quietly on our kitchen floor four days ago. He was our beloved dog-child-spirit-guide for
nine years and five months. We knew he
was staying alive for us, courageously ignoring the cancer tumors that were
sprouting all over his body like popcorn. He was a magnificent animal – all 111
pounds of him. As he lay on his side,
Tim gently massaged his shoulders as I caressed the spot between his ears. We
thanked him and told him he was cherished and loved.
We
tried not to cry or sound upset because we knew how perceptive and sensitive
Rudy was to our emotions and energy. But
he knew that we knew he was leaving. His
eyes were open. His breath soft and
easy. He was not in pain. The Vet had arrived to give him the final
shot. Ronit had shared this experience with us before when Max, our Italian
Mastiff, was dying and let us know he must leave. Animals do tell you when it’s
time, if you allow yourself to tune-in and feel
their energy.
I
think of Ronit as the Guardian Angel of Animals because she radiates with a
glowing peace, confidence and healing energy. She honours each patient with authentic
respect for their life and their death. Ronit views euthanasia as a sacred
ritual. She begins by gently speaking to the animal and massaging key meridian
points to relax their body. She sprays
her own blend of aromatherapy around the area – to cleanse and purify. Then, she gives a preliminary shot, a strong
sedative, to ease them into a deep state
of relaxation; so deep, the animal is unaware of the second, life-ending shot. I believe music helps the transition from
this place to the next. I chose the
mystical work of Medwyn Goodall’s Medicine Woman.
We
were to wait fifteen minutes before the second injection, to allow the first
shot to work. We could see Rudy’s body
relax, totally and completely. He
sighed, so contentedly, as though he had been released from the responsibility
of worrying about us. And, I’d swear he
looked at me and smiled.
Rudy’s
life-force faded from his eyes. He died then, before Ronit gave him the second
shot. We knew he had gone. All of us, almost in unison said, “He’s
left.” Ronit listened to his heart with her stethoscope for what seemed an
eternity before looking at us and saying, “Yes, he is gone.”
The
body changes when the Spirit departs. Almost instantaneously it becomes an
empty vessel. I always think of a
butterfly in its cocoon – there is life-sustaining energy while the butterfly
transforms from caterpillar. But once
the butterfly has emerged, the cocoon’s energy disappears and within a few days
becomes a silky dust.
Rudy’s
absence is an assault to my senses and feels like multiple daggers in the
heart. The silence is deafening. I had gotten so used to hearing him breathe
and talk to me. I still listen for his heavy
footfall as his toenails “click” across the tile floors. Not being able to look
into his wise eyes is brutal. Not being able to stroke his thick beautiful
coat, rub his tummy or touch his soft ears is excruciating. I have fallen into
the abyss of grief and feel everything intensely. My heart, my emotions, my
energy and my equilibrium are being tossed-about like a pebble caught in a
tidal wave. I read once that a person cannot feel conflicting emotions at the
same time. But, I believe it is
possible. Grief is Sadness, Futility, Anger, Powerlessness, Despair,
Exhaustion, Gratitude, Appreciation and pure Love felt all at the same time.
Rudy was one of those dogs that people
described as “larger than life.” He
could have been a movie star. Because we
live in the tropical heat, we had his thick, Rastafarian coat shaved to look
like a lion. He had a long plumed tail
and a gorgeous ruff of iconic German Shepherd hair around his neck and powerful
chest. Kids in the neighborhood called
him The Lion King. He was regal, loyal,
courageous, intelligent, kind and the giver of absolute unconditional
love. He didn’t have an aggressive or
mean bone in his body. We feel the
absence of his loving energy everywhere in the house. I still expect him to walk into the room,
wagging his lion tail, and tossing his favorite toy into the air.
Feeling
grief for Rudy activates memories of past grief creating an emotional tsunami
that manifests in tearless sobs while standing under the waterfall of our
shower. Water and the sea are the great
catalysts allowing me to fully experience the depth and breadth and height of
my emotional capacity. In those moments
I re-live the death of all our beloved animals. The grief escalates.
My
thoughts time-travel back twenty years
to the memories of Faye and John and their ability to squeeze the juice
out of each precious moment even though they both faced terminal diagnosis. We lived together in a wonderful old compound
perched above the sea. Faye, my
grandmother, lived in the cottage. John
and Paula, my Uncle and Aunt, lived in the boathouse. Every evening we would gather, six or eight
or ten of us, on our deck overlooking the San Francisco Bay. We shared the day’s highlights and laughed
while sipping from the juice of Napa Valley grapes. We acknowledged and dissected the absurdities
of life. Tim, the wonderful man I share
life with, became famous for his genuine and passionate proclamation, “Enjoy
Today!”
Dis-ease,
terminal illness, untimely death, ended relationships, financial stress,
professional challenges and failures, even the wholly unexpected suicide of my
beautiful young Aunt Paula – all are part of this wild ride though time and
space.
Health,
wellness, spiritual connection (I don’t mean religious, I mean a person’s
ability to access their unique Spiritual Source), cherished relationships and
friendships, abundance, professional and financial success, second chances at
life; all are born from higher vibrational thought. The challenge always comes back to tuning-in
and understanding our Emotional Guidance while we climb the Emotional Ladder,
one level at a time, toward relief. We
must be gentle with ourselves, extending compassion toward our setbacks and celebrating
our progress.
I must climb my way up and out of this great
well of grief and summon the strength and courage to reach for the next rung,
then the next – climbing higher toward the Light, toward the next higher
thought which resonates with elevated vibrational relief. Relief transmits as hopefulness, positive
expectation, empowerment, freedom. Onward
to happiness, passion, gratitude and joy for having known Rudy.
Loss,
loss, loss. Even after writing the
previous paragraph, I feel waist-deep in the quick-sand of grief. I can’t seem to shake-off the lower emotional
vibes. Today, my thoughts are absorbed
by loss. I say to self, “Damn You!
You are not a novice when it comes to processing grief. You explored the
deepest caverns of grief as your Mother valiantly faced cancer and died, with
such Spiritual elegance. Have you
learned nothing? Rudy has died, yes, but if given a choice, would you choose
to erase the experience and memories of his presence and love in your life – to
avoid grief? This question
actually shifts my thinking. I feel a
bit better as I answer, No. No. No. I
would NOT erase the experience! Rudy in
my life has been one of the Great Gifts of Love and lessons in Courage!
Grief
crystallizes the magnificence of the gift:
Exquisite Joy and Unconditional Love felt for 3435 days because of a dog
named Rudyard. I invoke the power of Energy
and remember The Law of Attraction: Reach for that higher feeling thought. Climb out of the abyss, one tiny step at a
time.
Grief
may be the “Mother Lode” of emotional experience for as we try to survive the
pain and tunnel through the darkest and lowest levels of emotional vibratory
experience we often excavate and feel so
many, many other emotions. I have
come to think of grief as The Great Tide of Source Energy - a fluid and moving
experience that floods our emotional shores with intense feelings. Then, it
recedes allowing us to catch our breath and feel some small measure of relief.
We dig our toes into the warm sands of hope and brace ourselves for the
possibility that another rogue wave of contradictory emotional experience may
appear out of nowhere and obliterate the slightest movement toward feeling
better.
Yet,
somewhere in the Deep Knowing of our Source-Voice, we acknowledge the
irrefutable Law of Nature which corresponds to The Law of Attraction: The wave, the rip-tide of grief will recede
and we will be offered a sense of relief floating on the Leading Edge of
Hopefulness, Understanding, Freedom and even Gratitude for the gifts of
Experience which preceded the grief. The key is to release all resistance. Stop paddling against the tide. Pull your paddles into your boat and allow
the power of the tide to take you on your journey – whether it is in to shore
or out to sea - it will take you where you need to go. There is no right or
wrong way to mourn loss.
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